Full Text (1111 words) | ||
Copyright The Washington Post Company Nov 21,
1993
Week 38: Ask Backwards II Mexico, Canada and Burkina Faso The Fattest Human Being On Earth Anywhere He Wants To A Great Big Sucking Sound Th-Th-Th-That's All, Folks Sharon Stone's Drawers The Archbishop of Canterbury, and Beavis. Goofy Honk If You Like Feldspar Yasser Arafat and Me Yogi Berra and St. Francis of Assisi My Other Car Is a Giraffe Nine Janet Renos Frank Sinatra, Eva Braun and Morley Safer Ho Ho Ho Funny You Should Ask This week's contest: Our first variation on a theme. You are on
"Jeopardy!" Here are your answers. What are the questions? Answer one, or
more than one. First-prize winner gets a professional magician's
guillotine with which to amaze your friends by cutting off your own hand,
nose, etc., a value of $80. Runners-up, as always, get the coveted Style
Invitational losers' T-shirts. Winners will be selected on the basis of
humor and originality. Mail your entries to the Style
Invitational, Week 38, The Report from Week 35, in which you were asked to propose a use for the 14-mile-long, 15-foot-wide sausage-shaped tunnel the federal government dug under Waxahachie, Tex., for the Super Collider project scrapped by Congress last month. Because of the Style Invitational's
hallowed reputation for accuracy and integrity, we were forced to
disqualify several worthy entries that were based upon the incorrect
assumption that the tunnel is a completed circle. The best of these was
submitted by John Hoover and Kathleen Akerley of Chevy Chase: "Coat the
ground with ice and have And last, a heartfelt apology to Tom Gearty of Washington, whom we neglected to credit for suggesting last week's contest to come up with a state name, flower, slogan, etc. for the District of Columbia. Tom informed us of this oversight via fax, including a dated and certified copy of his original proposal, and just to be sure, he followed this up with a phone call. No doubt, Tom has by now contacted a squad of copyright-infringement attorneys. And so we wish to announce that Yes, By Jove, It Was Tom's Idea, and Tom's Idea Alone, And Tom Wins a Bottle of Whine. Er, wine. Third Runner-Up: Tell Ross Perot that the "Mole Men" who tried to disrupt his daughter's wedding live in the tunnel. He'll take it from there. (Robert Walker, Fairfax) Second Runner-Up: Run a marathon through it, giving new meaning to the phrase "hitting the wall." (Mike Thring, Leesburg) First Runner-Up: The Texas School Bus Depository. (Kurt Rabin, Arlington) And the Winner of the Terra Cotta Lawn Pigs: Rename it the Martha Washington Monument. (Michael Sweet, Rockville) Honorable Mentions: Put a goal line at either end. Establish the World Underground Football League (WUFL). Disadvantages: Games would be very long, or there would be a lot of 0-0 ties. Advantages: Field goals would be almost impossible. (Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria) Draw mastodons on the wall with charcoal. Seal it up and forget it. (Gary Desilets, Woodbridge) Fill with water and use as Federal Divining Rod Test Facility. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) "The 19th Hole," a 14-mile, par-500 miniature golf course. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Satellite parking for RFK Stadium. (Maggie Wolff Peterson, Winchester, Va.) Fill it with whipped cream, then stretch a canvas over the entrance, and paint a big tunnel opening, creating the world's largest practical joke. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Correctly claim that it was dug by a primitive people, and sell admission tickets. (Forrest L. Miller, Rockville) Designate the hole as the nation's official place to test glow-in- the-dark watches and vampire teeth. (Chase Squires, Rockville) Advertise it as a shortcut to Hell and see who shows up. (Mike Thring, Leesburg) Place giant ben-wa balls in it to appease Mother Nature during earthquakes. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge) Find a "sniper's nest" in it and close the case on JFK's assassination. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Flood with salt water, fill with galleons and costumed animated figures. Charge admission to "Pirates of Waxahachie." (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Use it as a research lab to investigate other burning questions of national importance, such as: Do guns kill people, or do people kill people? Will NAFTA revitalize oureconomyandallowustoshootintothetwentyfirstcenturylikeaspectacularm eteor or will it completelydestroythenationleavingitaruinedshellofamoraldepravity? Is it true that fetuses can play solitaire six weeks after conception? If a tree falls in a tunnel, does it make a noise? (Peter Ramsberger, Alexandria) Sentence Lorena Bobbitt to 30 years of being chased around the tunnel
by Roll a 14-foot-diameter steel ball around the track behind a group of marathon runners. The U.S. high-tech version of the running of the bulls in Pamplona. (Stephen Dudzik, Silver Spring) Convert to "Super Bird and Window Collider." (Bob Zane, Woodbridge) Give the tunnel its own Offer it for sale to the 37 other states that were willing to beg, borrow or steal to win original congressional approval for the project. (Robin D. Grove, Washington) An indoor race track for Shriners on tricycles. (Paul Styrene, Olney) Cut a slot in the top and use it as a suggestion box for how to fix the Redskins. (William Osborn, Alexandria) Something with Joey Buttafuoco. (Jim Henley, Silver Spring) And Last: Fill with ear wax. Offer as Style Invitational prize, valued at $50. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington) Next Week: Pranks for the Memories.
|
More Like This - Find similar documents | |||||||
|
^ Back to Top | « Back to Results | < Previous Document 481 of 519 Next > | Publisher Information | |
![]() ![]() |
Mark Document | ![]() ![]() |
![]() |
Copyright © 2005 ProQuest Information and Learning Company. All rights reserved. Terms and Conditions |
Text-only interface |
Library of Congress |
![]() |
![]() |